Temporary post: The end of the Line

Hope you'll enjoy the song..
Years back I listened to this song a lot..n now, I'm living it..

The right path

I have never been this much upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed, tired, hopeless and lost since I came to the united states. It's almost unbelievable how bad today was and still is..

Today I understood why people set themselves on fire, or choose a less scary way to end their lives. I really "know" how they come to that point..a vicious stage which starts after you break from inside out.

I talk to my father from back home once a week..and today he was telling me what if I move back to California..maybe.I'll find a job if I move. Also, he asks me to talk to a cousin I have back there..to see if she's willing to look for a place for me etc etc. Although he means well, but he doesn't know what shape I'm in..doesn't know how messed up I have become. So what do I do..I keep quiet..saying "yes..okay..right.." and a few "but and if"..and try to remind him why moving from one state to another isn't easy and doesn't mean a job is waiting for me there. But, he asks me to talk to my cousin anyway..and I..with a heavy heart say good bye to him. 

I am so upset..don't know what to think..

A few minutes later..my cousin calls! And of course she's been telling me every time she calls, to come back and that "we will do something"..which reminds me of how ugly my time was when I stayed with her when I first came to America. After few words from here and there..because me asking how is the rent back there..she's more persistent in drilling the thought of me going back..and along the way she says few things..that breaks my already broken heart even more. What do I do..I'm calm..like 99 percent of times..and our conversation ends.

And now..I'm beyond upset..I have no words to describe how I was an hour ago..I just know..for a moment..I was able to put the knife I was using to cut carrots in my stomach. It scares me you know..it's just something I never felt before..I knew how fragile and thin I have become after all these years..and I keep telling to few people I trust that "I'm close to my breaking point.." and here I am..broken.

 

And my dear God..I'm sure you know everything before I say it..you know better than anyone how I feel. Have I gone astray? Am I among those you left to their business? How can I know..

What am I supposed to do with this life..

How much more pain and sorrow...how much?

These are not new thoughts..

Sitting on the floor in the kitchen..holding my head in my hands..unable to think or do anything.

I'm so tired...

A Personal Conversation

I: So..how have you been?

me: You know..

I: ..

me: You might expect after about 450 days living in the States something must have happened, and sure it has..but I'm still jobless, running out of money..time..everything.

I: What's gonna happen to me?

me: I don't know..I don't have any idea how much I can take the everyday pressure..

Every day wonder of: so what do I do..

Fear..more and more everyday..

I: How did it come to this? After more than 30 years I still have nothing, I mean..in terms of what a "normal" human being is supposed to gain you know..

me: Supposed to..maybe I wasn't supposed to..

I: Please..don't be ridiculous..you know what I'm talking about.

me: I know..sorry.

You see..after 6 years of "extra" pressure I still live..breath..try..people say it's called life..that's how it is..is it?

I: I never found a tiny answer to any of these useless questions..whatever the answer is, it won't provide a roof over my head, or calm my empty stomach...that I'm sure of.

me: Yeah..hmm..so life is about how well you can get along with suffering? Well for those who do suffer..some won't..at least for some time.

I: Another useless question..why do I ask these?

me: I guess it's time to end this conversation with an answer to your first question..

How am I? 

Surviving..just like the old days..

still no sign of "living"..or there is no living..and there is all that there can be for me.

I: Good night..stranger.

Marking a Dark Day

Nobody is watching,

But still I look down as tears blur my vision,

And cry as silently as possible,

So I won't disturb "nobody",

Just like when I was five..

One day I'll be gone and somebody will read these words,

Hope you are not marking another dark day like me..

Praying you are stronger than me.

Loss

Loss of a parent isn't new to our world. Everyday somebody leaves this life behind and relatives remain. Tonight I'm writing to stand beside my cousin and my father, who lost a father and brother, thousands of miles away from me, passing through such dark hours alone.

My uncle didn't have an easy life. Silently lived through constant pressure, and always kept his pain hidden from everybody. It is sad that only after his death some of us can see why...why his hair turned white so quickly, why he smoked too much.

It's a shame, that the living only starts to notice what is really important only when it's too late. When the chance of forgiving somebody or asking for forgiveness is gone..forever.

Wish I had more than words..

Wish I was there for all of you...when it matters.

God Rest your soul uncle.

 

Under the same Sky

Yes...A year passed since I stepped on U.S soil.

Not much has changed...

No job..no sense of security.

Still...grateful for very few good people who didn't leave me, no matter how gloomy I was/am.

Thank you.

Life Is...

He's barely breathing now,

Lying down in a pool of blood,

Squeezing the hands of a stranger,

And Whispers:

"Tell my wife...tell her...I love her..I love her..".

The stranger is being treated by an EMT,

Looking at the empty pool of blood,

Thinking:

"Life is sacred...Life is..sacred..".

A Moment of My Life

Closed my eyes

Looked inside "me",

And everything outside began to fade away.