A Place For Hope & Sorrow

A Personal Conversation

2012-01-11T21:41:00.001-05:00

I: So..how have you been?

me: You know..

I: ..

me: You might expect after about 450 days living in the States something must have happened, and sure it has..but I'm still jobless, running out of money..time..everything.

I: What's gonna happen to me?

me: I don't know..I don't have any idea how much I can take the everyday pressure..

Every day wonder of: so what do I do..

Fear..more and more everyday..

I: How did it come to this? After more than 30 years I still have nothing, I mean..in terms of what a "normal" human being is supposed to gain you know..

me: Supposed to..maybe I wasn't supposed to..

I: Please..don't be ridiculous..you know what I'm talking about.

me: I know..sorry.

You see..after 6 years of "extra" pressure I still live..breath..try..people say it's called life..that's how it is..is it?

I: I never found a tiny answer to any of these useless questions..whatever the answer is, it won't provide a roof over my head, or calm my empty stomach...that I'm sure of.

me: Yeah..hmm..so life is about how well you can get along with suffering? Well for those who do suffer..some won't..at least for some time.

I: Another useless question..why do I ask these?

me: I guess it's time to end this conversation with an answer to your first question..

How am I?

Surviving..just like the old days..

still no sign of "living"..or there is no living..and there is all that there can be for me.

I: Good night..stranger.

Marking a Dark Day

2011-10-21T21:21:00.000-04:00

Nobody is watching,

But still I look down as tears blur my vision,

And cry as silently as possible,

So I won't disturb "nobody",

Just like when I was five..

One day I'll be gone and somebody will read these words,

Hope you are not marking another dark day like me..

Praying you are stronger than me.

Loss

2011-09-24T21:44:00.001-04:00

Loss of a parent isn't new to our world. Everyday somebody leaves this life behind and relatives remain. Tonight I'm writing to stand beside my cousin and my father, who lost a father and brother, thousands of miles away from me, passing through such dark hours alone.

My uncle didn't have an easy life. Silently lived through constant pressure, and always kept his pain hidden from everybody. It is sad that only after his death some of us can see why...why his hair turned white so quickly, why he smoked too much.

It's a shame, that the living only starts to notice what is really important only when it's too late. When the chance of forgiving somebody or asking for forgiveness is gone..forever.

Wish I had more than words..

Wish I was there for all of you...when it matters.

God Rest your soul uncle.

Under the same Sky

2011-09-07T23:23:00.002-04:00

Yes...A year passed since I stepped on U.S soil.

Not much has changed...

No job..no sense of security.

Still...grateful for very few good people who didn't leave me, no matter how gloomy I was/am.

Thank you.

Life Is...

2011-05-14T22:01:00.000-04:00

He's barely breathing now,

Lying down in a pool of blood,

Squeezing the hands of a stranger,

And Whispers:

"Tell my wife...tell her...I love her..I love her..".

The stranger is being treated by an EMT,

Looking at the empty pool of blood,

Thinking:

"Life is sacred...Life is..sacred..".

A Moment of My Life

2011-04-30T17:14:00.000-04:00

Closed my eyes

Looked inside "me",

And everything outside began to fade away.

Falling Apart Before Your Feet

2011-03-26T17:39:00.005-04:00

As I lose the sensation in my hands,
My fingertips become cold,
And suddenly the whole light is sucked out of the room; total darkness.
All that I hear now, is a heartbeat...slowing down,
And then nothing; exists.

There is less than a second to remember what I accomplished today.
What that memory will be?
What will be yours?

My time,
Ran out...
I fell apart, before telling you that I truly care...that I'm sorry, that I love you.

Existence

2011-02-10T22:21:00.007-05:00

The balance, is lost.
Life, is out of the proportion.

These words, are indications of an ongoing secret battle.

A deniable battle, that has only one soldier; fighting it.
The outcome, is determined.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)”

Walking in the shadows,
Knowing, there is "light".

Inside Out

2010-12-11T14:13:00.004-05:00

Watching my life drifting away.
Broken yet standing.
And the last rays of the day,
Blinds me,
From the inside out.

The Beginning of an End

2010-08-11T12:38:00.006-04:00

Words are not enough, not any more.

As you pray for me,

as you wish peace for me,

I struggle everyday.

Do I ask to struggle?

Am I the reason, for all this misery?

What is the role of oppression and cruelty then?

The question is, when am I going to give up...everything.

I'll know soon enough...

Please do not take your freedom for granted.

Simply Life

2010-06-09T22:42:00.005-04:00

(Media: Charcoal, Application: Corel Painter 11, Digital Tablet)

He hides behind the lines
She cries behind the curtain

No more Color
No more light

And from that shadow
I am born again

Nothing has changed
It's simply
My Life.

Of the Man and the Wolf

2010-05-21T01:53:00.008-04:00

Lying still under a dead tree
Miles away dogs are barking at nothing
flashlights leading to a false trail
And yet she is lying under a tree

Her blood frozen
Her eyes wide open
Her lips keeping a secret

And the moon keeps shining on her lifeless figure

A desperate wolf and her child
closing on her resting place
And the moon hides behind the clouds

The wolf sits by her side
wonders what has she found
She sniffs at her body

The moon comes out
A large teardrop runs down her face
The wolf and her child, walking in to the darkness
Leaving her precious body at peace

A man
In a long black coat
Slits a rapist throat
Leaves a rose and a note

"Not even a wolf could be as cruel as man".

Miles away the moon is shining
(In the memory of lost but unforgotten roses)

Am I Blind?

2010-05-11T15:06:00.005-04:00

"Inside us there is something that has no name, that something is what we are".

Jose Saramago, Blindness

A Room for One

2010-05-06T14:30:00.006-04:00

I don't belong.
There's a place for someone like me.
A place...that no one will judge me.
A part of me either died or was born today.
Maybe I just created a room inside me.
A room only for one.

6:30 a.m

2010-04-10T16:27:00.003-04:00

It's 6:30 in the morning.
And I'm sitting in the dark, watching.
The weak light of an early morning, becomes stronger by every second.
And it feels like being in a cinema, watching my life on a screen.
A screen made of an empty room, my thoughts and memories.

I can't do what I used to do anymore.
I can't lie to people and reply: "I'm OK".
I have lost so much...so much of "me".

The light at the end of the tunnel, is the only reason I'm still here.
If the light goes out...
I will be gone.

The Wheel of Time

2010-03-05T14:20:00.004-05:00

Time.
How much longer till my life stops rolling?
Sometimes, like tonight, I look around myself.
What did I gain? Who have I become?
Did my dreams come true? Or my nightmares?
What is my purpose?
I feel that I have failed myself...and my dreams.

Still a small part of "me" is burning...slowly.
I'm afraid of the time...when there are no more dreams for that fire to burn.
Then...
The time stops.

Timeline

2010-02-22T02:22:00.007-05:00

It's what I saw when was laying down on the bed.
And started to think about the turns my life has taken during the past 32 years.
Traumas, miseries and a dim light at the end of the tunnel.

These days I'm haunted more than ever by my ideals and values.

I remember loud arguments my parents had during the divorce period.
And I hid under the blanket, had my ears covered by the pillow, at the age of five.
Now at this age, I hide again.
This time from myself. From my failures.
From everything that I dreamed of and didn't come true.

p.s: I want to thank those of you, who let me know you are here for me.

The Shadow Generation

2010-01-25T05:13:00.008-05:00

I'm not breathing as usual. It feels like an object, a heavy one, is on my chest.

My father is talking about the poison sprayer he bought, and I'm trying to be a good son and listen to every word he says, and trying to not to allow my feelings to spread out like a deadly poison over our food.

But at the end he feels something is wrong with me, and gives me quick careful look, thinking:"He's not OK, again".

I look at myself in the mirror, and who I see seems more like a tormented ghost and not a normal guy.

So what's wrong with me?

Is it too much to ask, to feel safe in someone's arms?

Why the fruits of heaven are forbidden for 'us'?

It doesn't matter how hard normal people try to make 'us' believe we are just as normal as them. We are simply not.

Oh did I hear somebody saying:"You're a coward! You are too scared to try and enjoy life like everyone else".

Maybe you are right.

We, the shadow generation, belong to the same world you live in.

We are just not used to light, as you are.

My fingers are frozen on the keyboard, but my thoughts are moving like a raging torrent inside my head.

Not every thought is meant to be expressed.

Not every shining beautiful star can make love to a black hole.

The Borderland

2010-01-09T17:30:00.003-05:00

When your future is torn
When "necessity" becomes "luxury"

When your dreams become nightmares
When happiness becomes "the forbidden fruit"

You are no longer a man

You are
on your own
An abomination.

"Look into this abyss but fear not"

Another night, with headache and tears
Another moment in the depths of despair
Is gone.

On The Edge

2009-12-29T13:21:00.006-05:00

Where do I stand now?
Where is my place?

Outside...shouts, stone, fire and blood.
Inside...darkness.

I look around my room...
To find a safe place,
I have your memories and tears,
So I hide among them

But what if I fall from that edge?

Still Water

2009-12-01T16:04:00.005-05:00

I am back to step one...
I need to stare into deepest layers of myself
But I can't heal fast
Sometimes...you're hurt, but when you're the pain itself
Then...
I didn't even dream of a day which, I sit and feel being guilty..not like this.

Above all the pain I brought to myself...is the pain I brought to you
I will not forgive myself
I just can't...knowing you're sad
The sadness...I brought to you
I..
am
sorry.

I admit I've lost control

2009-11-27T14:28:00.005-05:00

Artist: Anathema
Song: Lost Control
Photo: By Me

Life has betrayed me once again,
I accept some things will never change.
I've let your tiny minds magnify my agony,
and it's left me with a chem'cal dependency for sanity.

Yes, I am falling... how much longer till I hit the ground?
I can't tell you why I'm breaking down.
Do you wonder why I prefer to be alone?
Have I really lost control?

I'm coming to an end,
I've realized what I could have been.
I can't sleep so I take a breath and hide behind my bravest mask,
I admit I've lost control.

Paint me a Window

2009-11-21T15:53:00.004-05:00

When the sun goes down
I paint a window

Maybe one day,
You shine instead of the sun.

Without a past

2009-11-19T17:13:00.006-05:00

When the reality becomes a mirage
The green tree of life
Burns
And dies.

From its ashes
A memory shall arise

Fear no more
The Phoenix will fly

Corruption

2009-11-15T15:48:00.004-05:00

Doctor said: " Don't tell lies. Never!". And I've lied to myself...and to others. What a shame.
He said: " Don't be too hard on yourself". And I don't know how not to.
And...
He didn't explain the painful part.
He just looks at me...and tells me:
"Just enjoy the time you have here".
And the pain in my throat builds up...
Tears won't fall...
And something falls inside me.
Deep to the abyss.
Words dying before they're born
Sky darkens
But I won't stop fighting for you.

My Compass is Broken

2009-10-19T19:25:00.005-04:00

I lost myself.

A few drops of my past

2009-10-09T13:34:00.006-04:00

Deer hunter & The First Blood. These are 2 movies I watched when I was 5 years-old. Strange? Well my life was not ordinary. My mum was just divorced, me and dad moved to live with my grandparent. A friend of my dad brought some cartoons for me, so little me would get distracted of what just happened to him, but as you know now...I watched the movies. My dad was in a horrible state, so I assume that's why he didn't notice his little son watched movies, that he wasn't meant to.
After 27 years, I bought the deer hunter to watch ...again. All I remembered from the past, was a scene that captured American soldiers were forced to play Russian Roulette. After watching the movie, I'm in a mood...which reminds me of something.

I grew up too early.

Vague but Simple

2009-08-30T14:44:00.006-04:00

Living alone has made me different.

It seems I'm closer to me, without interference of outside world.

I feel too much...

My surroundings fade away and my feelings, are born.

It seems to me, it's my thoughts and feelings that own me, not me.

And words are disappearing again...

Just feelings...

My words, has lost their value...

Once Upon a Time There Was a River

2009-07-04T03:40:00.000-04:00

How it came to this?
Why happiness turned its face away from us?
I can ask lots of questions from myself, and sit in my half dark room, and fight with the growing fear that what will happen in the future.
Very productive, excellent!
Day by day I force myself without realizing it, to move on. Secretly looking for an orifice that may leads to the light.
If there was no pain, there would be no fear I guess.
And Hope...Shot and Buried in the name Of God.
Why am I doing this? Writing for what? Looking for what?
Do not lose Hope!
Easy to say hard to do and yes you do know that but still you insist to not let go.
There's something in this air, which is poisoning our souls.

May every free soul on this planet, stays free!

Freedom Myth

2009-06-26T02:18:00.000-04:00

Everyday I feel pain. Everyday I have tears in my eyes and a knife in my heart.
Everyday they try to deny and cover what they did to us.

Anger, Frustration and Fear.
Feelings that never had the power to get to me, now are overwhelming me.

They may have guns and prisons, they may keep our flesh and torture us but our hearts beat for Freedom.

Thank all American people who think, act and live free and support freedom.

A Stranger's Dream

2009-05-30T15:31:00.004-04:00

A huge half destroyed building.
Long corridors with people behind their desks, doing paperwork.
I am standing in a broken doorway.

And suddenly I woke up in an empty room.
I heard whispers and opened the door...

I'm looking at a long corridor with empty chairs and desks now.
These desks are talking to each other.

I listen...I hear a name...
My name...

Personal Horizon

2009-05-16T03:37:00.003-04:00

And here I stand, with cold feet and empty hands.
There is a mystery in the air, a question in my heart.
My past and future, misery and hope.

A Lake Full Of Thoughts

2009-05-06T10:42:00.002-04:00

I cannot tell you how I'm feeling right now. Suddenly hail stones were falling from the sky and I paced under a shop's sunshade. A mixture of rain and hail covers the street. And here she is...a little girl steps out of the shop, stretches her little hands...and while looking at hails falling into her hands...turns and looks at me, and smiles. I smiled back at her...and then she is under the downpour of rain...dancing.

What happened to me, What does stop me from being happy at the moment? What happened to little me?

A lake full of thoughts, feelings, sorrows and...me.

Still, I cannot tell you how I feel...

Change Starts Within

2009-04-24T06:01:00.001-04:00

It starts here.